MOLINE, Ill. — Thanksgiving is a time to gather with family, friends, and loved ones. But it's also unofficially one of the most awkward times for some who are put in invasive conversations. So how do you tell Aunt Jane that you don't want to talk about your weight? Or how do you tell your Uncle Ronnie that you don't want to talk politics?
Thomas Farley, AKA Mister Manners, an etiquette columnist and keynote speaker, joined News 8's David Bohlman to talk about how you can navigate those sometimes stressful conversations.
COVID Conversations
COVID-19 still comes up in conversation as controversial. Family members may ask you why you got that vaccine, or why you didn't and call your beliefs about it into question. What can we do?
Mister Manners says, "Give a dose of respect."
I think at this point, these beliefs are pretty solidified. We're three-plus years since the start of the pandemic, and there is no changing the minds of anyone. My hope is for those who believe in the importance of vaccination, they've done so. For those who are skeptical about the vaccination, that's their belief, as long as the folks who are really concerned are protected. I think it's important for those who choose not to protect themselves to still protect others. So if you were sick, you won't come. If you are feeling a little bit weary, maybe you're not quite yourself, you wear a mask. It is important for all of us to give one another a healthy dose of respect because this is a topic that still, after all this time, is quite divisive. And frankly, a Thanksgiving gathering should not be ruined over this particular topic.
Political probe
Politics also often come up at the dinner table. That uninvited guest causes many headaches and can cause hurt when the focus should be on togetherness. So how do you navigate the political topics, especially when someone may believe differently?
Mister Manners says, "Set boundaries."
I'm actually going to take a little bit of a contrarian view -- the old wisdom was that you never talk sex, politics, or religion in mixed company if you don't want to have arguments. I actually believe it's very important that we do talk politics. However, we've got to do so in a way that respects and sets boundaries. So for starters, we know there are going to be some people at the gathering who simply are not political animals, and they want to hear nothing of this. I recommend every family set what I call the caucus room. Those who want to talk politics can go out of earshot of everyone else, have their political conversation, but to do so respectfully. You're not going to name call, you're not going to do what we see in Congress this week and last, people shoving each other and elbowing each other challenging each other to fights. You present your views, you listen to the other, and you come to a respectful conclusion -- even if it doesn't mean you've actually agreed. This I think is important, particularly as we look towards 2024 to have these conversations
Invasive inquires
We all have that one family member who loves to ask invasive questions. They can make you feel uncomfortable, but you try your best to answer anyway. So what do you do, instead?
Mister Manners says, "Close it down considerately."
Topics like: "Have you put on some weight? When are you getting married? Are you not having a baby?" This is for the family members that we don't see very often. They seem to think that this is an opportunity for them to ask any questions that are kind of getting under our skin. I recommend you do not take the bait on that if this is not something you're comfortable addressing. You're going to close this down considerably, and there are a couple of ways you might do that. One that's a particular favorite of mine, is by simply pivoting by changing the subject gracefully. You might say something along the lines of, "I can see why you'd be interested in knowing that, however, it's not something I'm really looking to speak about right now. Would you mind passing the sweet potatoes?" That should shut it down without throwing fuel on the fire.
Persistent problems
But some family members are very persistent. Maybe they stop the line of questioning for a moment but bring it back up a little while later. How do you respectfully shut down invasive questions from a persistent family member?
Mister Manners says, "Answer a question with a question."
Although I'm known as Mister Manners and I advocate for good etiquette, we can't always count on that good etiquette from other people. So what I recommend there is having good manners doesn't mean that you allow yourself to become a doormat. If someone's truly violating the boundaries that you've established for yourself persists in this line of questioning, I would actually push back a little bit more forcefully, but still considerately. Say, "I know this is a question for you, and I'm not quite sure where it's coming from. But I have to say it's not something I'm really comfortable discussing. And I hope you can respect that." If they don't respect that, and hopefully there's no one in that category but there probably will be, then it may be best for you simply to excuse yourself in the situation so that the conversation has no opportunity to persist, but definitely stand up for yourself when someone's really being aggressively nosy.
Mister Manners speaks across the country, helping companies change communication skills and professionalism. He also is a frequent guest on television shows across the country and speaks at conferences, helping to get attendees talking. You can learn more about Mister Manners and the work he does across the country by visiting his website or reading his weekly column "Ask Mister Manners" which appears in Tribune publications across the nation.
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